How to be Good at Dating
A Guide for the Perplexed
Three years ago, I was a 34-year-old who hadn't had sex in fifteen years. Since then I've failed miserably at dating, then turned into a total manwhore, and eventually found someone really special to commit to. In my previous piece "The Harem of an Autist", I shared the story of that journey. Some comments accused me of making it up, a bunch of others asked: "How?" This essay is the answer, the practical guide I wish someone had given me before I started.
What This Is
Why should you listen to me? Because I'm a fairly regular dude who attracts women without any easy-mode levers like money or being a turbo-chad. I'm just a weird nerd who (after fifteen years of celibacy) decided to make dating his autistic special interest and discovered that it's actually not that difficult.
Before embarking on this experiment, I read a lot of dating content online and in books, and all the good advice can be boiled down to: self-improvement, self-respect, confidence, openness, honesty, and vulnerability. That all sounds a bit abstract though, so I'm going to break it down into some more concrete advice.
Ultimately the central point is that it's a lot easier than you might think. Before I started dating, I had no idea it was even possible to meet a hot young woman who begs you to spit on her face on the first date. But eventually I realized it's completely trivial and practically accessible to almost anyone: you go on the apps, have a fun conversation in a bar for a couple of hours, and it just happens. If you take anything away from this essay, it should be that this is easily achievable for a normal person who actually puts some effort into dating.1 But you need to actually try. You need to intentionally and consciously improve yourself and your approach.
I recognize that much of this advice comes from my personal experience. Dating is highly individualized, and what worked for me will not necessarily work for everyone else. But I think the broad principles will apply to the vast majority of cases, and it's up to you to adapt them to your particular situation.
Reality Check: The Modern Dating Landscape
The first thing you must understand is that dating markets are ruthlessly efficient at matching people of equivalent SMV. It's nearly impossible to consistently date out of your league. There is a kind of beauty in the brutal clarity of this system: it does not allow for any delusions about your position in the world of dating.
It has been said that dating apps brought gay dating norms to straights, but I don't think people have internalized exactly what that means. The truth is that if you are even a little bit handsome, you can hit a 3-digit bodycount (with attractive women) in a few years, easily.
Dating apps are a numbers game and must be treated as such. Very roughly the ratios for me were 100 swipes → 1 match → 0.1 dates → 0.05 lays → 0.005 meaningful connections. This is basically a funnel that would make a B2B SaaS startup founder hang himself. You will be rejected again and again and again. Eventually you get desensitised, but still there's a sense that one ought to be filled with a feeling of abject horror. How can one continue to believe in the existence of a benevolent deity in the face of these ratios?
Consider the time you spend on dating apps as a tax you pay for the possibility of sex and/or love. Some people are in a higher tax bracket than others, and yes, it's absolutely unfair. But people like to complain without actually putting in any work. You need to actually commit to the process, which means setting aside at least an hour a day for swiping and chatting on the apps, and consciously optimizing both yourself and your profile to achieve your goals. You need to try trying.
The relationship between attractiveness and results on the apps is a power law. If you improve your appeal by 5%, you're not going to increase your matches by 5%, you will double them. The people far above you are doing unimaginably well. Orders of magnitude, baby. Think Timmy Chalamet spreading chlamydia across the NYU campus like an STD crop plane.
Casual vs Serious
It doesn't matter, the fundamental principles are exactly the same: self-improvement, honesty, vulnerability, intentionality. The only thing that changes is what you explicitly state you're looking for.
However, even if your ultimate goal is a serious relationship, I strongly recommend that you start with casual dating. Not to stack bodies like some notch-counting sociopath, but because it's the only way to develop the skills, confidence, abundance mindset, and self-knowledge that serious relationships actually require. Serious dating without a hoe phase preceeding it is like trying to run a marathon without doing any training first. If you enter a relationship from a position of scarcity, insecurity, and desperation, of course things are going to be difficult. You need to figure out who you are and what you want before you can actually choose well. You will know when you're ready.
When I met my current partner, I instantly recognized something extraordinary precisely because I had enough data points to make that judgment. Without that contrast, without knowing what mediocre connections feel like firsthand, I'd have no idea what "exceptional" even means. You need a baseline for comparison.
The only real difference between casual and serious dating is how you articulate your intentions. For casual: "I'm not looking for anything serious right now". For relationships: "I'm looking for a long-term partner". Either way, the honesty, the vulnerability, the self-respect remain identical.
Practical Fundamentals
The Handcuff Rule
In everything you do, you should never go for broad appeal; always target the niche you're actually after. You do that by being polarizing in the right way. Example: I was looking for kinky, adventurous, open-minded women, so I had a picture of a pair of leather handcuffs on my profile. That's a really strong filter! It almost certainly decreased the total number of matches I got, but the ones I did get were a much better fit. Whatever niche you are interested in, the important thing is to create filters that draw in the target audience and pushes away everyone else. Finding your niche in the dating market and adapting your approach to the needs of that ni is crucial.
The handcuffs
Table Stakes: Fitness, Looks, Life
Physical fitness is the highest ROI investment in your dating life. Actually in your life in general. It's entirely within your control, compounds benefits across your entire existence, and dramatically increases your options. Lifting heavy weights will improve your appearance, physical health, mental health, diet, sleep, and interpersonal interactions. Cartesian mind-body dualism is a fiction—your body is you. Hit the gym, lift heavy (aim for 1/2/3/4 pl8s), and get below 15% body fat.
Women aren't just selecting for aesthetics—they're selecting for the discipline, confidence, and vitality that a fit body represents. (And you want to be in a position where you can do the same!) As a bonus, you'll actually enjoy sex more when you're not wheezing after 30 seconds of mild exertion. Looking your best isn't shallow, it's a sign of respect for yourself and the people you hope to connect with. A fit body is a billboard advertising self-love, and if you can't love yourself, are you really ready to love someone else?
Beyond fitness:
Wear decent clothes that actually fit your body (not what you hope your body looks like).
Grooming and basic hygiene (shocking how many men fail at this).
Lead an interesting life that your potential dates would want to be a part of. But do it for yourself first of all.
These are table stakes. Without them, you're not even in the game.
On the App
First of all, you need to pay for the apps. The system is pay-to-win, it's just how it is.
Pictures
Dating apps are fundamentally a visual medium. You can either whine about how shallow it all is, or just put in the work and get yourself some good pictures. Up to you. Just know that if you don't own a good camera or pay for a photographer, you're not serious about dating and should just delete the apps.
Your photos should be tailored to your target audience. Want an outdoorsy woman? Hiking pics. Intellectual type? Reading in a cool café. Don't try to appeal to everyone—polarize deliberately to filter for what you're actually looking for.
If you're serious about dating, you need to move up the photo quality hierarchy: professional photos > actual camera photos > high-quality phone pics. And absolutely nothing else is acceptable.2
What to do:
A clear headshot
A full-body shot that shows your build
A social pic that proves other humans can sometimes tolerate your presence
An activity pic showing something you're passionate about
A conversation starter that filters for compatibility
Cute animals
What not to do:
Group shots where it's unclear which person you are
Sunglasses in every photo
Photos with women that could be exes
Photos with babies
And definitely no fucking pictures with dead animals, what is wrong with you people
If you have the physique for a shirtless pic, include one, but only in a context that makes sense: at the beach, not a dirty bathroom mirror selfie. If you don't have the physique, then lift and diet until you do, then take the pic.
The purpose of these photos isn't just to show what you look like—they're telling a story about your life. Make sure it's a story someone would want to be part of. If your photos show a boring life, don't be surprised when interesting women swipe left.
Finally, test your pics. Use PhotoFeeler or just ask female friends which ones work best. Your perception of how you look often doesn't match reality, and there are stark gendered differences in how pictures are perceived. Guys routinely pick photos where they think they look cool but women find intimidating or off-putting.
Bio
Depends on the app. On Hinge, the classic "you, me, us" triad of answers works well: one prompt that describes you, one prompt that describes who you want, and one prompt that describes what life would look like for the two of you together. Again, do not be generic. Do not go for mass appeal. Polarize your audience and filter for what you're looking for.
Convos
App conversations should be brief. Your goal isn't to build a deep connection through text, it's to establish basic rapport and move to an in-person meeting ASAP. Three to five exchanges is ideal before suggesting a date, but don't force it against the flow of conversation.
Be direct but not desperate. "I'm enjoying our conversation. Want to continue it over drinks?" works better than the endless pen-pal routine many guys fall into. Ask questions, engage with their profile, and respond with something that gives them material to work with. If the convo feels forced, then it's probably time to move on. If you're after a kinky casual relationship then it's perfectly fine to be up-front about it. If you're after marriage and 4 children you should be up-front about that.
Dating
Logistics
If you schedule a date more than 3 days out, you can pretty much write it off, it's gonna be a flake. I don't really understand why it be like this, but it do. For some reason people feel like they can be incredibly rude when it comes to first dates; this is by far my #1 annoyance with dating apps.3
You are in charge of planning the date; you wouldn't believe how many men out there don't have the mental capacity to pick a bar. Pick venues where you can actually talk. Bars work better than restaurants or coffee shops—there's just enough ambient energy, and alcohol helps loosen people up without the commitment of a full dinner. Activity dates can work if there's still room for conversation.
Location matters. Make it convenient for both of you. If you're planning to get laid, walking distance from your home is a good idea.
Confirm the day of. A simple "Looking forward to seeing you later" can save you from showing up to an empty bar.
The Dates
Honestly I don't have much advice on how to make first dates fun, other than have a good conversation. I'm a shy, introverted nerd and I never really had an issue with this. This is great advice on being a good conversationalist.
I think most dating failure comes down to neuroticism, people getting in their own way. They overanalyze, try too hard, and lose their chill the moment they actually like someone. The solution is trivial: relax, stay present, don't be an idiot. Be open and vulnerable, but also don't traumadump. Merely knowing this doesn't make it any easier to follow, though.
If I was into someone, I would always go for a kiss on the first date (and I highly recommend asking for consent first: "is it alright if I kiss you?").4
Connection isn't always instant. My most significant relationship started with a fairly lukewarm first date., but by the third date we couldn't keep our hands off each other. If you think the basics are there, give people a chance to open up. First date nerves are real, and some people take longer to show their true selves.
Sex
This one really depends on your own tastes. When I was starting out, I tried to have sex as soon as possible after meeting, but I eventually realized that it was better to wait a bit, even for completely casual relationships. Delaying sex to the second date made both of us more comfortable, relaxed, secure, and just generally improved the vibes, which led to better sex and better retention rates.
That said, I think you should have sex on the first date at least once, just so you know you have it in you. Afterwards you can do whatever you want. It also helps with insecurity issues.
For serious relationships the trajectory might be a bit longer, but the decision about when to have sex isn't about following arbitrary rules, it's about what works for you. Wait as long as you want, but don't turn it into a power struggle or test. Whether casual or serious, the sex timeline should feel natural, not strategic.
Rejection
Rejection hurts. The difference between successful daters and unsuccessful ones isn't that successful people don't feel the sting—it's that they don't let it stop them. The brutal truth is that you need to get rejected repeatedly until you're somewhat desensitized, but it never really goes away.
Remember the numbers game aspect: even with good photos and a solid profile, men will need to swipe hundreds of times for a handful of matches, and many of those matches won't lead to dates. There will be long stretches where you don't get any matches. This isn't a reflection of your worth, it's just how the system works, and you need to stay grounded and keep grinding.
Sometimes you'll fall madly in love and they won't like you back. The third person I went out with after I started dating was incredible: hot, interesting, weird, it felt like we clicked right away, really a one in a million kind of person. We went on four dates in total. She just wasn't that into me. It fucked me up real hard, to the point that I was still dreaming about her more than a year later. After just four short dates! It hurt like hell, but in the end it's all worth it.
The only guaranteed way to fail is to stop trying.
Feedback
Getting better requires feedback, and feedback is really difficult to get in the dating world. People are not exactly incentivized to be honest, and you'll probably never hear back from your failed dates anyway. One solution is to talk things out with your friends and have them tell you what you're doing right and wrong, share tips on what you feel is working or not. You can also talk with your partners: after you have dated someone for a while, ask about their impressions of your first few dates. What did they like, what did they not like, how did they see it from their perspective.
Keep a dating journal. Take notes on what you did, how you reacted to certain situations, what you were afraid to say or do. Experiment on the apps with different pictures, bios, or approaches to conversation. Find what works for you.
Sometimes the truth is "she wasn't into you" and there's nothing to learn. But often, there are things you could be doing better. Dating is a skill, and getting better at that skill means figuring out what you're doing wrong, fixing it, and then iterating over and over.
Mindset
Team Sport, Not Battle
The biggest mistake people make in dating is treating it like warfare. They think of the opposite sex as adversaries to be fought through tactics and manipulation. This mindset is not just toxic, also just plain ineffective. Dating is a team sport. When dating is working well, you and your dates are on the same team, working together towards a common goal. You're not trying to trick someone into bed or a relationship; you're finding someone who wants the same thing you do. This is an atmosphere that you have to cultivate, and it starts with you making the first move of vulnerability and openness. You must lead by example, and your partners will reciprocate.
The team sport mentality applies especially in bed. Sex isn't something you "get" from women—it's something you create together. The goal isn't conquest but mutual pleasure. This mindset alone puts you ahead of 90% of men who are focused only on their own gratification or ego.
The most successful men I know are completely honest about their intentions. Openness and honesty alows potential dates to make an informed decision about whether they want to go out with you. Some will bounce, and this is good, you've saved both of your time and the ones who stay are actually on board with what you're offering.
I must acknowledge that this is not an easy thing to do. If you are insecure about your appearance, personality, experience, skills, or anything else, it's natural to try to hide away and refuse to confront that. When I started dating I was terribly ashamed of sharing the details of my 15 years of monk mode and was totally dishonest about it. It felt awful, and of course my dates picked up on the insincerity. I quickly learned that I had to be open about these things. And two years later when I met my current girlfriend, one of the things that initially pulled her in was my weird sexual history: turns out it was not even a weakness.
This extends to seeing multiple people too. The mental gymnastics guys do to hide this are absurd. Just say, "I'm seeing other people as well." Most women in the app ecosystem are doing the same. Transparency creates trust, even in casual arrangements, and trust is necessary if you want to have great sex. This is partly why women trust me to tie them up with 20 meters of rope just a couple of hours after we first meet.
Another benefit of honesty is that it attracts honest people and pushes away everyone else. People who play games (which is generally a symptom of insecurities) tend to match up with other people who play games, a perfect little soup of toxicity. Again, some will bounce, and this is good.
Above all, do not be ashamed of your sexuality. Sexual desire isn't something to apologize for or disguise behind fake intentions. It's not something to trick people into satisfying. Women are horny too, and great sex can be a profound experience. Confidence in your desires is magnetic. It signals self-respect. You're not desperate; you're selective. You know what you want, you are offering something valuable, and you're looking for compatible partners.
This brings me to standards. Have them. High ones. Not just for physical appearance, but for personality, intelligence, kindness. If the women you're meeting aren't worth talking to, that's on you. Make yourself worthy of more interesting women. Build a life that attracts the kind of partner you want—whether for a night or forever.
Honesty is always difficult and always a work in progress. Nobody is perfect. But approaching dating with transparency isn't just ethically superior, it's pragmatically superior. It leads to better connections, better sex, better relationships, and less wasted time.
Authenticity & Connection
Be Genuine(ly cool)
Your job in dating isn't to make people like you—it's to be your best self and see who's compatible.
Stop sweating all the small stuff. When to kiss, how to escalate, negging, how long to wait until to text, being suave 24/7 with some James Bond quip always up your sleeve. None of that matters much. Just chill. Just be nice. Be cool, honey bunny. A woman who wants to fuck you will make it easy for you. Cooperate with her! You are not enemies, you are not fighting over control of a scarce resource, you are on the same team, looking for the same thing.
I've often asked women to come back to my place without even having kissed them. No elaborate escalation ladder, no push/pull, no "3 points of contact before suggesting location change", none of that bullshit. Just a pleasant chat over a drink or two and "we should get out of here, want to go back to my place?" If she's into you, this works. If she's not, no technique in the world will change that. It's true that some people use sex as a tool in relationship power dynamics; you should stay far, far away from them, and that will just happen naturally as long as you stay true to yourself.
Nice Guys Finish On Her Face
Women really like guys who are nice. Not "nice guys" who are nice from a place of weakness, from a place of dishonesty, neediness, insecurity, hiding their intentions, etc. Women like it when you are nice from a place of confidence, strength, and magnanimity, when it's genuine. Sometimes the nice thing to do is tie someone up and spank them until they cry. Being genuinely nice means being attuned to what the other person actually wants, not what you think you're supposed to provide. And it definitely doesn't mean concocting hidden agreements where you expect to receive something in return for your niceness. So be nice.
The foundation of all meaningful connection is honesty and vulnerability. You need to make the first step here—show your cards before asking to see theirs. When you're vulnerable first, you create space for the other person to reciprocate. This doesn't mean trauma-dumping on a first date, but it does mean being real about what you want, what you enjoy, and who you are.
Casual Sex Attitudes
One of the weirder discoveries of my dating adventures was women's bizarre relationship with casual sex. Many are having it despite not particularly enjoying it. They're often chasing the feeling of being desired rather than pleasure itself. I've slept with beautiful women who admitted they don't really enjoy hookups but keep doing it anyway. When I asked why, the answers were all variations of "I like feeling wanted" or "It's validating" or just "well it was something to do". For them, sex is an abundant but joyless resource: easily gained, but almost never satisfying.
This divorce between sex and pleasure was a big surprise for me. The act has somehow become weirdly performative, less about the actual raw experience itself and more about what it represents. Are you sexually liberated? Desirable? Normal? The apps amplify this dynamic by creating an endless marketplace of validation where actual human connection is almost beside the point. People mindlessly performing scripts about freedom and desire while feeling increasingly alienated from both.
This mind-fucked dynamic explains a lot about modern dating, honestly. When neither party is primarily motivated by actual desire or connection, is it any wonder most casual sex is so mediocre? The good news is that you can easily set yourself apart by crushing the competition on this front.
Sexual Compatibility
Whether you are looking for something casual or a life partner, sexual compatibility is non-negotiable. Different people have radically different preferences, but are usually very reticent about discussing them up front; this is how you end up divorced 5 years down the line. Some women want romance and tenderness; others want to be thrown against the wall and degraded. Some prioritize their pleasure; others get off primarily on yours. There's no universal "good at sex"—there's only "good at sex with this particular person."
This is why sexual honesty is crucial. It filters out mismatches before emotional investment makes the inevitable split more painful. The right sexual match creates a feedback loop of mutually reinforcing desire and fulfillment that elevates the entire relationship. The physical connection elevates the mental one and vice versa. When you're sexually compatible, everything else becomes easier: communication improves, resentment decreases, and your bond deepens through shared vulnerability. Do not, under any circumstances, settle for mediocre sex
If you want better than mediocre—and you should—then aim higher. Be honest, be present, be genuinely interested in your partner's pleasure, and be good at sex (more on that in my next essay). The bar is so low it's practically underground.
Intentionality: Design Your Relationships
Being authentic goes hand in hand with being intentional. Most people are not really choosing their relationships. They're just stumbling into whatever arrangement emerges from unconscious social scripts. They fuck on date 3 because they're supposed to fuck on date 3, they go exclusive because that's what you do after a while, they move in together because rent is expensive, and then they wake up five years later wondering what the fuck happened.
Intentional dating means actively designing your relationships rather than letting them happen to you. This starts with brutal honesty about what you actually want. Not what you think you should want, not what dating coaches say you should pursue, but what genuinely brings you fulfillment.
This is another thing that's going to limit your target audience, but ulltimately works in your favor. Yes, being upfront about wanting casual arrangements means that many people will swipe left, but the ones who match are actually going to be interested in the same thing. No wasted evenings, no disappointed expectations, no messy situationships.5
This intentionality should extend to all aspects of a relationship. A friend of mine told me the story of her first divorce: he was her first boyfriend, they had been dating for 8 years starting in college, and eventually decided to get married. So they have a lovely ceremony, exchange vows, eat cakes and all that, and the next day the husband says: "time to start trying for kids now". She was absolutely horrified as she had absolutely no intention of having kids with him. This is an extreme example, but people go through relationships based on unstated assumptions and expectations when it comes to jealousy, communication, security, living arrangements, life goals, and how to enhance each others' lives that are often totally incorrect.
The most successful relationships are those that involve two people who act as conscious architects and not passive participants. This might sound clinical, but it actually creates space for deeper emotional connection. When the structural elements are clear, you can focus on actually enjoying each other rather than constantly renegotiating unspoken rules. Do not let life just happen to you. Have you tried trying?
Yes, But...
"But Alvaro, I'm too fat/ugly/old to succeed at dating."
Have you put in consistent effort at the gym for a year? Have you optimized your diet? Have you invested in clothes that actually fit? Have you gotten professional photos? No? Then you haven't actually tested this hypothesis. These are all easily fixable issues, and you just need to stop complaining and put in the work. You don't need to be a male model—you just need to be the best version of yourself.
"But Alvaro, I'm too short. Women won't date men under 6 feet."
I'm not going to tell you that height preferences are not real. They can be brutal, and they are totally unfair. But if you're fixating on the women who reject you for immutable characteristics rather than focusing on the many who don't care, you're creating your own prison. The height issue is real, but the impact is wildly exaggerated by men looking for an uncontrollable excuse for controllable failures.
"But Alvaro, I'm socially awkward/on the spectrum/have anxiety."
What do you think my social skills looked like after 15 years of monk mode? I get social anxiety all the time, and from the silliest things. But social skills are just that—skills. They can be learned and improved like any other. As long as you keep practicing intentionally, figuring out what you can do better, and keep putting yourself in new and uncomfortable situations, you will improve. The alternative to that is to resign yourself to using your temporary weaknesses as a permanent excuse, which guarantees failure.
"But Alvaro, there are no interesting women in my area."
Have you tried living somewhere else? I'm entirely serious. If dating is important to you and your location is legitimately terrible for it, moving is a rational decision. I've known people who relocated primarily for dating prospects. Besides, most likely, there are interesting women around you—you're just not interesting enough to attract them yet. Focus on building a life and personality that naturally draws in the kind of people you want to meet.
"But Alvaro, the dating market is rigged against average men."
Is the market difficult? Yes. Is it "rigged"? No. The problem is that most men are putting in minimal effort while expecting exceptional results. They have terrible photos, boring lives, mediocre fizeeks, and underdeveloped social skills, yet somehow believe they deserve supermodel girlfriends who fall into their laps without effort.
Dating markets are highly efficient. You generally get what you're worth. Tinder is a mirror disguised as a window. If you're not getting what you want, you have two options: improve your market value or adjust your expectations. Both require honest self-assessment and real effort.
"But Alvaro, I don't have time for all this."
Then you don't have time for dating. If you can't commit a few hours a week to swiping, a few hours in the gym, and a few hours on dates, you're not actually prioritizing this area of your life. That's fine, but admit it's a choice rather than pretending it's an impossibility.
Wrapping Up
Dating is a skill like any other. I went from a decade and a half of celibacy to more casual sex than I knew what to do with, and ultimately to finding someone truly remarkable. You just need to work on it, try different things, iterate, improve yourself. Love thyself. Do not lower your standards, do not accept "good enough" in yourself or others, do not hide behind masks that attract the wrong people. Focus on what you're best at, but don't be terrible at anything. I'm not claiming everyone will achieve identical results with identical effort. What I am saying is that nearly everyone can substantially improve from their current baseline, whatever that may be.
Most men fall into one of two categories: the reliable "boyfriend material" guy who fails to inspire true desire, or the exciting "fuckboy" who can't maintain a meaningful connection. The sweet spot is being both—reliable enough to trust but exciting and hot enough to desire. It's not about being perfect at everything, but about being good enough across the board. It's about honesty and skills and confidence. When you're not constantly worried about hiding your insecurities or playing tactical games, you can be present and actually enjoy the person across from you.
I cannot emphasize enough that the same principles serve both casual and serious dating. Honesty, vulnerability, self-respect, and intentionality create better experiences across the board. These aren't just ethical considerations—they're pragmatic strategies that lead to better sex, better connections, and less wasted time.
Much of this post focuses on casual dating, but most people will eventually get bored of that, and finding the right teammate changes everything. When you meet someone who genuinely gets you, who wants the same things you do, the entire experience transforms. Dating stops feeling like a grinding job interview process and becomes an exciting collaboration. The right partner will enhance your life, pushing you to grow to ever greater heights.
Approaching dating with intentionality and treating it as a skill to be developed changes everything. Your dating life isn't happening to you; you're actively creating it. You are in control of your romantic destiny.
Further reading, in case six thousand words on dating wasn't enough for you:
Stay tuned for the final installment in the series, How to be Good at Sex.
"But Alvaro, what if I don't like spitting on women?" Stop being such a pussy, she needs your saliva to achieve orgasm, do your patriotic duty and help the poor girl out. Dulce et decorum est pro patria conspuere in socium facies. If you try it and still don't like it, then fine, I guess...
My photos were good but not great, I could have optimized them more, and it almost certainly cost me matches. I noticed a clear bump in match rate when I replaced my initial first pic with a much better one.
Women come up with the most fantastic stories for excuses, dead grandmothers, hospital emergencies, I've heard it all.
I should also note that I wouldn't go on a second date if there wasn't one on the first date.
Well, I can't quite guarantee that.